slicer's masterstroke

[CrouchingStonerHiddenBong]

Ask your "editor".

[deathcurse]

Ask your "editor".

That reminds me!

slicer, weren't you paying some editor you found on the internet to help you with this shit? Holy fucking Christ, WHAT DID THAT GUY DO FOR YOU?

Did he eventually just give up? You're clearly very stubborn when it comes to suggestions.

Seriously. That sample is a fucking mess. Nothing in it resembles anything remotely literate. And you supposedly paid a guy to help you with that.

[CrouchingStonerHiddenBong]

I remember when he wanted to pay me to edit it, and then went batshit nuts because I refused to associate myself with such a stinky turd.

In hindsight, I should have just taken his fucking money and laughed at it like this dude obviously did.

[deathcurse]

"The word you're looking for here is THIS."

"No! No! That's the exact word I need to use! Why? Because an imaginary woman told me!"

"Ooooookay. By the way...what is this even about?"

"You're too stupid to understand!"

"What exactly do you want me to do with this?"

"I'm not changing anything! Every word is perfect!"

[kriptyc]

"The word you're looking for here is THIS."

"No! No! That's the exact word I need to use! Why? Because an imaginary woman told me!"

"Ooooookay. By the way...what is this even about?"

"You're too stupid to understand!"

"What exactly do you want me to do with this?"

"I'm not changing anything! Every word is perfect!"

when did you become more of a flailing retard--every fucking day, and you lie worse than Cusack, which I never thought would be possible yet you manage. wow?

[kriptyc]

Xena screamed with grief at the top of her ...

[douchecunt owned by the warrior princess.]

[deathcurse]

Um....what about that post makes me a liar?

I posted a fictional conversation based on actual quotes you've made. Doesn't that make me an author?

[kriptyc]

I remember when he wanted to pay me to edit it, and then went batshit nuts because I refused to associate myself with such a stinky turd.

In hindsight, I should have just taken his fucking money and laughed at it like this dude obviously did.

good times and you blew $500 thank god.

[deathcurse]

Xena screamed with grief at the top of her ...

[douchecunt owned by the warrior princess.]

My bad.

That's clearly an example of exceptional writing. I have been bested!

[kriptyc]

Xena screamed with grief at the top of her ...

[douchecunt owned by the warrior princess.]

My bad.

That's clearly an example of exceptional writing. I have been bested!

yeah, not just Xena:


Coronation Street actress revealed she screamed with grief when ...

She screamed with grief and sadness.

As her fingernails dug into the dirt, she screamed with grief for the boy she loved and resentment towards herself. ...

She screamed with grief for a few minutes,

"Ah!" She screamed with grief.

I thought she screamed with grief about those Cath Kidston carpets?

She compelled her lips to smile at the guests while inside she screamed with grief.

She screamed with grief, her eyes focused on the figure of the

She screamed with grief. Blindly she ran back down the hallway

She screamed with grief and rage, swearing vengeance

her stomach and she screamed with grief: "They cut me open and took ...


ETC.

[deathcurse]

I'm not saying that a person can't scream with grief, you fucking retard.

I'm saying that's not how you would best describe a situation where SOMEONE IS BEING CHOPPED INTO PIECES BY A SWORD.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[deathcurse]

I feel like Anne Sullivan. WHAT THE FUCK.

[kriptyc]

I'm not saying that a person can't scream with grief, you fucking retard.

I'm saying that's not how you would best describe a situation where SOMEONE IS BEING CHOPPED INTO PIECES BY A SWORD.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

bullshit. I'm telling in the book how it was, not how you think it should be.

It was an execution, not an attack. you are fucking confused like a motherfucker.

[deathcurse]

bullshit. I'm telling in the book how it was, not how you think it should be.

It was an execution, not an attack. you are fucking confused like a motherfucker.

None of that shit happened!

[MotleyMaiden]

bullshit. I'm telling in the book how it was, not how you think it should be.

Didn't YOU make the whole thing up?? In that case, you are not telling how it WAS, you are telling how you IMAGINED it. The scene never actually happened. I think you are confusing reality with fiction.

BTW, I think the excerpt sucked and I wouldn't waste my money on the book. There was nothing there that was remotely interesting or even coherent enough to make me want to read more. It was disjointed and made absolutely no sense. My 7 year old niece tells better stories.

[JDV]

Women screamed with grief!

The problem isn't whether grief is the right word or not. Or the fact that you used the exclamation point. Well, yeah that's a problem, but the bigger issue is you're telling and not showing.

Telling readers the women screamed with grief doesn't invoke any emotion in the reader. It shows one of two things: 1. You're a lazy writer. 2. You're no good.

In the end, neither matters. You will lose readers before they can figure out the answer.

It's boring.

Another problem is you don't handle criticism well. I have no idea what issues you have with deathcurse. I don't care. But, through the sarcasm he is giving you valuable advice. If you want to be a better writer, you'll swallow your pride and take it.

[kriptyc]

bullshit. I'm telling in the book how it was, not how you think it should be.

Didn't YOU make the whole thing up?? In that case, you are not telling how it WAS, you are telling how you IMAGINED it. The scene never actually happened. I think you are confusing reality with fiction.

BTW, I think the excerpt sucked and I wouldn't waste my money on the book. There was nothing there that was remotely interesting or even coherent enough to make me want to read more. It was disjointed and made absolutely no sense. My 7 year old niece tells better stories.

yeah and you're dumber than deathcurse.

IT WAS THE WOMAN'S EXPERIENCE OF GRIEF THAT HAPPENED. And it was based on her telling me about amputation...shit you don't need to know about. you fucking clueless motherfuckers.

[kriptyc]

Women screamed with grief!

The problem isn't whether grief is the right word or not. Or the fact that you used the exclamation point. Well, yeah that's a problem, but the bigger issue is you're telling and not showing.

Telling readers the women screamed with grief doesn't invoke any emotion in the reader. It shows one of two things: 1. You're a lazy writer. 2. You're no good.

In the end, neither matters. You will lose readers before they can figure out the answer.

It's boring.

Another problem is you don't handle criticism well. I have no idea what issues you have with deathcurse. I don't care. But, through the sarcasm he is giving you valuable advice. If you want to be a better writer, you'll swallow your pride and take it.

jesus fucking christ stop kissing deathcurse and think about what you read.

go on...read it again...slowly, and try to understand. here then, I'll spell it out for you: grief was the reaction. is that so hard to understand? do I need to walk you through the whole process of establishing that grief? NO you know why...it was an EXCERPT about a vision (just an aside).

[deathcurse]

slicer, did the events you described in that excerpt actually happen?

[exitflagger]

I'll spell it out for you: grief was the reaction. is that so hard to understand?

Yes, it is. The emotion of "grief" does not work that way. It's not an immediate reaction. It takes time for it to set in.

You should probably just admit this was a poor choice of words and move on. But I'm sure that option will never penetrate your little wall of defense here so I'm probably wasting my time. And less importantly, your time.

[kriptyc]

I'll spell it out for you: grief was the reaction. is that so hard to understand?

Yes, it is. The emotion of "grief" does not work that way. It's not an immediate reaction. It takes time for it to set in.

You should probably just admit this was a poor choice of words and move on. But I'm sure that option will never penetrate your little wall of defense here so I'm probably wasting my time. And less importantly, your time.

so you're going to tell me how long the captives were held before the execution...

go on...keep wasting your time...

[deathcurse]

The word "grief" is really the least of his problems but for the record -

grief

noun 

Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death
- she was overcome with grief

Trouble or annoyance

Now, if I was watching people getting hacked to pieces in front of me, I would not be feeling "deep sorrow" over their deaths. Not immediately. My reaction would "HOLY FUCK! OH SHIT! WHY THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE BEING HACKED TO PIECES?"

Grief is an emotion felt over LOSS. If these women are witnessing people being butchered, they're not immediately feeling loss, they're feeling horror and/or terror. Not "How incredibly sad that these people are now dead." That's such a weird reaction to something so extreme.

[kriptyc]

slicer, did the events you described in that excerpt actually happen?

the grief happened to a Lebanese woman.

[JDV]

go on...read it again...slowly, and try to understand. here then, I'll spell it out for you: grief was the reaction. is that so hard to understand? do I need to walk you through the whole process of establishing that grief? NO you know why...it was an EXCERPT about a vision (just an aside).

I don't need to read it again. It's not going to change.

In your reply, I've put in bold what's wrong with your writing. Good writers don't have to spell out their work after it's published. You've spent more time in this thread describing the action than you did in your story. If you can't see what's wrong with that you'll keep paying a vanity press to publish your work.

Your first problem with the "women" part is you didn't set up a scene. You just threw them in at the end of the paragraph. You're writing like a scatterbrain.

You need to give the reader a mental image of the scene. You failed miserably.

In regards to the "women screaming in grief! " Never use exclamation points. You're telling action instead of showing. It sucks.

You need to say something like. " The women screamed. Their faces bore the pain of grief-stricken wives."

You need more details than that, but maybe you'll get the picture. I doubt it though. You seem like you have blinders on.

[deathcurse]

so you're going to tell me how long the captives were held before the execution...

Uh....isn't that YOUR job?

You're getting mad at people for not knowing how this story is supposed to go. You're the author!

[kriptyc]

The word "grief" is really the least of his problems but for the record -

grief

noun 

Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death
- she was overcome with grief

Trouble or annoyance

Now, if I was watching people getting hacked to pieces in front of me, I would not be feeling "deep sorrow" over their deaths. Not immediately. My reaction would "HOLY FUCK! OH SHIT! WHY THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE BEING HACKED TO PIECES?"

Grief is an emotion felt over LOSS. If these women are witnessing people being butchered, they're not immediately feeling loss, they're feeling horror and/or terror. Not "How incredibly sad that these people are now dead." That's such a weird reaction to something so extreme.

god you are either retarded or you can't read.

let's say it was your dad who they were executing-assuming your dad is not a total asshole like you--and I decided to make an example of him by slicing off his limbs in six inch sections...

[kriptyc]

so you're going to tell me how long the captives were held before the execution...

Uh....isn't that YOUR job?

You're getting mad at people for not knowing how this story is supposed to go. You're the author!

no dude, I'm mad because it was OBVIOUS that they were captives. I made that clear, and you can't see it because you are dumber than shit.

[exitflagger]

The word "grief" is really the least of his problems but for the record -

grief

noun 

Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death
- she was overcome with grief

Trouble or annoyance

Now, if I was watching people getting hacked to pieces in front of me, I would not be feeling "deep sorrow" over their deaths. Not immediately. My reaction would "HOLY FUCK! OH SHIT! WHY THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE BEING HACKED TO PIECES?"

Grief is an emotion felt over LOSS. If these women are witnessing people being butchered, they're not immediately feeling loss, they're feeling horror and/or terror. Not "How incredibly sad that these people are now dead." That's such a weird reaction to something so extreme.

god you are either retarded or you can't read.

let's say it was your dad who they were executing-assuming your dad is not a total asshole like you--and I decided to make an example of him by slicing off his limbs in six inch sections...

What the fuck? Did you just bore yourself to sleep in mid-thought?

[deathcurse]

let's say it was your dad who they were executing-assuming your dad is not a total asshole like you--and I decided to make an example of him by slicing off his limbs in six inch sections...

My immediate reaction would be horror. Probably some fear for my own safety too.

Grief is something I would go through after my brain had time to process what happened. My mind wouldn't immediately consider the loss - it would be locked into the moment. My survival instinct would overpower my rational mind because, well, that's how the brain works.

Do you have a brain?

Using your rationale, the second before you car collides with another car, you'd be thinking "Fuck. Now my car insurance is going to go up."

[MotleyMaiden]

yeah and you're dumber than deathcurse.

IT WAS THE WOMAN'S EXPERIENCE OF GRIEF THAT HAPPENED. And it was based on her telling me about amputation...shit you don't need to know about. you fucking clueless motherfuckers.

WTF?? This rambling jibberish you just wrote makes even less sense than the rambling jibberish you are calling a novel. I just...I mean...fuck, I don't even know where to begin with that mess.

You must be the worst writer ever. Ever. In the history of the world.