Metal Sludge Gossip Board

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and get it out of the way. I don't dislike ZakkVanDime as person.

But here's the thing - I don't really like him either. I think if I worked with him, I'd probably joke around with him and make small talk. I might actually go out on his birthday and have a few beers with him and the rest of the crew. However, I would still make fun of him behind his back and whole-heartedly agree every time someone called him a douchebag.

Having said that, I fucking despise him as a poster. He is simultaneously everything I hate about this place (whiny, common-minded, unfunny, and detrimentally misinformed) and everything I love about this place (a never-ending supply of stupidity to make fun of) at the same time, so while he serves a purpose, he still manages to make me pray to a god I don't believe in that my children never grow up to marry men like him or post on messageboards with people like him.

Honestly, if you or anyone else you know is considering sucking ass as a poster, look no further than this list as a guide, or for a more in-depth case study, feel free to peruse Zakk's entire posting history.

HOW TO BE A SHITTY POSTER ON METAL SLUDGE

1. First and of utmost importance is that you find a community where you rank in the 10th percentile of intelligence. You have to be one of the stupidest people there or none of this other stuff will work.

2. Call yourself ZakkVanDime and make a promise to induce as many douche chills as humanly possible by referring to yourself in the third person. Example: "Once you go Zakk, you never go back!".

3. Engage in arguments (and by that I mean offer your opinion as fact) with people smarter, wittier, and a thousand times more clever than you are. Insist that they're stupid and/or jealous, and that you have archaeological evidence of those shortcomings. When that fails, start posting pictures from /b/ and saying faggoty shit like "Well this takes the cake".

4. Whenever a new female poster arrives, immediately glom onto her like stink on shit. Tell her and the rest of the board constantly what a hawt rawk fox she is. Don't be dissuaded if she's fat, cross-eyed, or only posts half pictures of herself. It is of the utmost importance that you tell her that she's hawt and that you want to fuck her EVERY SINGLE TIME she posts, otherwise you'll never convince yourself that she's going to fuck you based on how many faggoty messages you leave on her Myspace or that chicks really do dig needy guys.

5. Buy a pirate costume.

6. Post a picture of yourself tucking your dick and then cry when you get taunted with it. This is especially effective if you claim to be bored while crying, and if you accuse the most successful troll in the history of the messageboard of being unfunny...especially when everyone else is laughing.

7. Make fun of your friends and then have a bitchfit when someone does it better than you.

8. Be wrong about everything, even if common sense says there's no way in fuck that you could be right. More importantly, don't shut up when you realize this.

9. Defend and champion other shitty posters based on how badly you want to bone them. Applauding posts like "I'm bored" and "HAHAHA! Geez..that's stupid" is a good start, but to truly succeed at this endeavor, you have to deride the rest of the board for running off marginally attractive females because god knows we can't survive another day without reading "OMG LMAO SO BITCHIN!!!1".

10. Make sure you post more than anyone while doing all of this.

RINSE.LATHER.REPEAT.

The only thing you left out was occasional bitter outbursts about your off-board life that make everyone uncomfortable with their intensity.

He's not human. ZakkVanDime uses his seniority in the Jehovah's Witness church to pose as a normal person.

You know this thread is going to hurt ZakkVanDime's feelings a great deal? Sorry but it's funny and true.

2 (A) variation: Develop a nym that you think will evoke visions of shock and awe amongst your fellow posters, even though it has no correlation to you, your life or your skills.

Never understand that other posters find these nyms ridiculous.

"Licketysplit" "Ozzyrulz" and any nym evoking "KISS" fall into this category.

If you are female, develop a nym that you think sounds sexy or fuckable, and find a picture of a hot chick to use as your avatar. Post boldly, knowing the aforementioned male posters want to get into your e-pants.

It ain't long now 'till he implodes.


He is without a doubt the loopiest motherfucker since Rev-tard himself.

His entire life is being repo'ed and instead of doing something about it he is logged on here, of all places, and wasting an entire evening arguing that your children are better served if you blow smoke in their faces.

Hungwell wrote:His entire life is being repo'ed and instead of doing something about it he is logged on here, of all places, and wasting an entire evening arguing that your children are better served if you blow smoke in their faces.

This bears repeating, even if it's only been a matter of moments since is was pointed out.

CrouchingStonerHiddenBong wrote:I should have known better than to accuse a Hebe of being superior to a Mexican, especially to a Kraut.

Why does SebastianLeeDanzig hate jews?

I am glad you posted this CSHB just because a while back and I forget which thread it was on but you and I were going at it and I called you a fat, bald headed bitch or a cunt. It was something along those lines anyway and then here comes ole Zakky to your defense saying that you weren't fat nor bald and that you are cute. He was just kissing your ass.

I also remember a while back there was a Dimebag thread and Zakk started going off that when Dimebag was murdered it was at the sametime he lost his wife. Everyone was giving Zakk they're sympathies on his loss because the way Zakk typed it sounded like she died and all it was is that they split up.

ZVD does have some good qualities. I used to like it when someone stated something he didn't like he would post this mean looking Zakk Wylde picture and the caption of the pic would be " Hey You, Shut The Fuck Up"

Constantine wrote:

CrouchingStonerHiddenBong wrote:I should have known better than to accuse a Hebe of being superior to a Mexican, especially to a Kraut.

Why does SebastianLeeDanzig hate jews?

Who doesn't? Jews even hate themselves. That's why they mutilate their own penises.

I am glad you posted this CSHB just because a while back and I forget which thread it was on but you and I were going at it and I called you a fat, bald headed bitch or a cunt. It was something along those lines anyway and then here comes ole Zakky to your defense saying that you weren't fat nor bald and that you are cute. He was just kissing your ass.

Zakk defending your looks is never a good thing. But just to set the record straight - I am fat, but I'm not bald and yes, I'm cute as fuck. I have a great personality too, but surely you've picked up on that by now.

I have to be honest with you, though - I have a real love/hate relationship with Zakk. Sometimes I like him and have real compassion for him and sometimes I look at the shit he posts and I think "What in the everloving fuck is going through this guy's head?". I mean, sometimes it just borders on the unfuckingreal and you wonder if he really believes what he's saying or if he's trolling you.

It's all just become a bit too much lately. I don't know if he's having a meltdown because of this dumb bitch sludgerizator or for personal reasons or both - in fact, there's a small part of me that thinks he got a big fat head from the outpouring of brotherly love he got on the HeenanSnuka backlash thread. Either way, he needs to shut the fuck up and get a god damn grip.

Or he could just shut the fuck up - I really don't give a fuck about his grip on reality except how it relates to this dump.

SebastianLeeDanzig wrote:

Constantine wrote:

CrouchingStonerHiddenBong wrote:I should have known better than to accuse a Hebe of being superior to a Mexican, especially to a Kraut.

Why does SebastianLeeDanzig hate jews?

Jews even hate themselves. That's why they mutilate their own penises.

X 3



I couldn't tell you what a Jew is even if you put a gun to my head. I know it's a religion, that's it. From what I heard arabs would cut their forskin because sand would get under it. Does it ring a bell?

CrouchingStonerHiddenBong wrote:They don't have Jews in Canada?

I've been a United States citizen since 1983 mam'

BlacknBlack wrote:Another one with too much time on his hands.

^^^About as fun and unpredictable as looking at my watch.

CrouchingStonerHiddenBong wrote:Jake can be funny.

I have never witnessed this.

BlacknBlack wrote:Hey, look at me, pay me attention! I'm going to start an in depth thread about people that I don't even know because I simply have nothing else to do with my time. I think I'm a big deal because my font is green and over sized.


Shut up.

This motherfucker thought he was bad too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8My36Iz ... re=related

chickenona wrote:

CrouchingStonerHiddenBong wrote:Jake can be funny.

I have never witnessed this.

He had a couple of really good ones during the whole 2T drama, but everyone hates him so much they're unwilling to give him credit for it.

However, I'm not here to defend JakeYonkel - I'm here to talk about what a pud Zakk is and try to figure out why it took me so long to realize it.

Some guy wrote:Do I have to use an oversized font?

There's nothing you can do.

*flick*

[quote="CrouchingStonerHiddenBong"] I'm here to talk about what a pud Zakk is and try to figure out why it took me so long to realize it.[/b][/size]





I wished the font could get bigger.

CrouchingStonerHiddenBong wrote:

chickenona wrote:

CrouchingStonerHiddenBong wrote:Jake can be funny.

I have never witnessed this.

He had a couple of really good ones during the whole 2T drama, but everyone hates him so much they're unwilling to give him credit for it.

However, I'm not here to defend JakeYonkel - I'm here to talk about what a pud Zakk is and try to figure out why it took me so long to realize it.

I think you've always realized it, there have just always been bigger assholes who were sort of shielding him. He's just come to the forefront lately.

Just wondering, did he do stuff like this before the old lady ditched him?

The poor boy is obviously very disturbed. In the normal world, I would say that he may need professional help and some sympathy. In the Sludge world, you get your own Hatas thread.

I bet he isn't even tucking in that picture, that's why his wife left him.

CrouchingStonerHiddenBong wrote:
Jake can be funny...

Not on purpose