ZakkVanDime: Portrait of a Shitty Poster

[Thebottomline]

I bet he isn't even tucking in that picture, that's why his wife left him.

Yeah, she probably got sick and tired of being a top.

[Constantine]

Hey, look at me, pay me attention! I'm going to start an in depth thread about people that I don't even know because I simply have nothing else to do with my time. I think I'm a big deal because my font is green and over sized.


Shut up.

I WAS TALKING TO YOU PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY!!!

[ozzyrulz777]

2 (A) variation: Develop a nym that you think will evoke visions of shock and awe amongst your fellow posters, even though it has no correlation to you, your life or your skills.

Never understand that other posters find these nyms ridiculous.

"Licketysplit" "Ozzyrulz" and any nym evoking "KISS" fall into this category.

If you are female, develop a nym that you think sounds sexy or fuckable, and find a picture of a hot chick to use as your avatar. Post boldly, knowing the aforementioned male posters want to get into your e-pants.

My nym is just one I have been using for a very long time. It wasn't something I came up with right off the spot.

[UncleTomsCabin]

It ain't long now 'till he implodes.


He is without a doubt the loopiest motherfucker since Rev-tard himself.

His entire life is being repo'ed and instead of doing something about it he is logged on here, of all places, and wasting an entire evening arguing that your children are better served if you blow smoke in their faces.

The "your children are better served if you blow smoke in their faces" cracked me up. I have not laughed that hard on Sludge for some time.

[Mitzi Dupree]

My nym is just one I have been using for a very long time. It wasn't something I came up with right off the spot.

So you're saying you put a lot of thought into it...awesome.

[grishnak boss]

BEST THREAD EVER!!

Be wrong about everything, even if common sense says there's no way in fuck that you could be right. More importantly, don't shut up when you realize this.

In Zakk's world, the government raises money by lowering taxes and you blow smoke in your kid's face to prevent cancer.

He hears hogwash on Fox News and Rush Limbaugh and parrots it.

"It takes more faith to not have faith than it does to have faith."

Right from O'Reilly's mouth at 39 seconds of this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wECRvNRquvI

"Obama supports infanticide"

Right from Hannity and Coulter on Fox News

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xVYW-_0jVU

"World health organization study shows no link between second hand smoke and cancer."

Right from the mouth of Rush Limbaugh

http://www.nycclash.com/ArticlesFolder/rush.html

"Jesus has done more for women's rights than anyone in the whole history of the world."

Conservative Chuck Colson's Blog

Then to not only repeat these stupid comments but to argue them obsessively. He refuses to let someone else have the last word. He'll keep posting long, long after being discredited.

Meanwhile, his wife kicks him to the curb and they're about to repossess his car and throw him out into the street. So he loses everything because he has his head up his ass and can't function but he's going to get on the net and help the rest of us figure it out.

He has adamantly denied being a fox news parrot, but clearly the guy is a mindless republican/conservative drone.

[JakeYonkel]

Jake can be funny.

I have never witnessed this.

I'm like W Bush, you all can't see your blithering hatred long enough to give me credit, ever. It's cool though. Bush is gone in like a week and a half but I don't have a half-black guy set to take my place. Sorry.

Anyway I think Zakk is a good guy. He is passionate about the issues he cares about, which I respect. I will admit sometimes I facepalm and wonder why he's so adamant about arguing to the death though, especially when it's about 300 against 1.

There are far shittier 'regular' posters here who get way too much credit for being 'smart' or 'funny' when in reality I don't think I've ever laughed at any of their shit. At least zakk can laugh at himself.

[SatanHimself]

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and get it out of the way. I don't dislike ZakkVanDime as person.

But here's the thing - I don't really like him either. I think if I worked with him, I'd probably joke around with him and make small talk. I might actually go out on his birthday and have a few beers with him and the rest of the crew. However, I would still make fun of him behind his back and whole-heartedly agree every time someone called him a douchebag.

Having said that, I fucking despise him as a poster. He is simultaneously everything I hate about this place (whiny, common-minded, unfunny, and detrimentally misinformed) and everything I love about this place (a never-ending supply of stupidity to make fun of) at the same time, so while he serves a purpose, he still manages to make me pray to a god I don't believe in that my children never grow up to marry men like him or post on messageboards with people like him.

Honestly, if you or anyone else you know is considering sucking ass as a poster, look no further than this list as a guide, or for a more in-depth case study, feel free to peruse Zakk's entire posting history.

HOW TO BE A SHITTY POSTER ON METAL SLUDGE

1. First and of utmost importance is that you find a community where you rank in the 10th percentile of intelligence. You have to be one of the stupidest people there or none of this other stuff will work.

2. Call yourself ZakkVanDime and make a promise to induce as many douche chills as humanly possible by referring to yourself in the third person. Example: "Once you go Zakk, you never go back!".

3. Engage in arguments (and by that I mean offer your opinion as fact) with people smarter, wittier, and a thousand times more clever than you are. Insist that they're stupid and/or jealous, and that you have archaeological evidence of those shortcomings. When that fails, start posting pictures from /b/ and saying faggoty shit like "Well this takes the cake".

4. Whenever a new female poster arrives, immediately glom onto her like stink on shit. Tell her and the rest of the board constantly what a hawt rawk fox she is. Don't be dissuaded if she's fat, cross-eyed, or only posts half pictures of herself. It is of the utmost importance that you tell her that she's hawt and that you want to fuck her EVERY SINGLE TIME she posts, otherwise you'll never convince yourself that she's going to fuck you based on how many faggoty messages you leave on her Myspace or that chicks really do dig needy guys.

5. Buy a pirate costume.

6. Post a picture of yourself tucking your dick and then cry when you get taunted with it. This is especially effective if you claim to be bored while crying, and if you accuse the most successful troll in the history of the messageboard of being unfunny...especially when everyone else is laughing.

7. Make fun of your friends and then have a bitchfit when someone does it better than you.

8. Be wrong about everything, even if common sense says there's no way in fuck that you could be right. More importantly, don't shut up when you realize this.

9. Defend and champion other shitty posters based on how badly you want to bone them. Applauding posts like "I'm bored" and "HAHAHA! Geez..that's stupid" is a good start, but to truly succeed at this endeavor, you have to deride the rest of the board for running off marginally attractive females because god knows we can't survive another day without reading "OMG LMAO SO BITCHIN!!!1".

10. Make sure you post more than anyone while doing all of this.

RINSE.LATHER.REPEAT.

There is no better start to a thread on Hata's than this. That is how it's done.

[ozzyrulz777]

My nym is just one I have been using for a very long time. It wasn't something I came up with right off the spot.

So you're saying you put a lot of thought into it...awesome.

No. I am just saying I have had it for a long time.

[CrouchingStonerHiddenBong]

I missed you so.

[Hungwell]

Pure Pwn3ge Alert!

BEST THREAD EVER!!

Be wrong about everything, even if common sense says there's no way in fuck that you could be right. More importantly, don't shut up when you realize this.

In Zakk's world, the government raises money by lowering taxes and you blow smoke in your kid's face to prevent cancer.

He hears hogwash on Fox News and Rush Limbaugh and parrots it.

"It takes more faith to not have faith than it does to have faith."

Right from O'Reilly's mouth at 39 seconds of this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wECRvNRquvI

"Obama supports infanticide"

Right from Hannity and Coulter on Fox News

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xVYW-_0jVU

"World health organization study shows no link between second hand smoke and cancer."

Right from the mouth of Rush Limbaugh

http://www.nycclash.com/ArticlesFolder/rush.html

"Jesus has done more for women's rights than anyone in the whole history of the world."

Conservative Chuck Colson's Blog

Then to not only repeat these stupid comments but to argue them obsessively. He refuses to let someone else have the last word. He'll keep posting long, long after being discredited.

Meanwhile, his wife kicks him to the curb and they're about to repossess his car and throw him out into the street. So he loses everything because he has his head up his ass and can't function but he's going to get on the net and help the rest of us figure it out.

The Audience is Listening.

[exitflagger]

There are far shittier 'regular' posters here who get way too much credit for being 'smart' or 'funny' when in reality I don't think I've ever laughed at any of their shit.

You rock out to New Kids and Danger Danger so obviously there is a certain bizarro aspect to your taste in everything. So in effect this statement pays the highest possible compliment to these so-called shitty posters, very likely myself included. On behalf of them, I thank you.

[CrouchingStonerHiddenBong]

HAY!!!!

What's a nice guy like you doing hanging around a place like this?

[chickenona]

Jake can be funny.

I have never witnessed this.

I'm like W Bush, you all can't see your blithering hatred long enough to give me credit, ever. It's cool though. Bush is gone in like a week and a half but I don't have a half-black guy set to take my place. Sorry.

Hahahahahaha @ "blithering hatred". I never said I hated you. I said I've never witnessed you being funny.

I have, however, witnessed your incessant boobying about how "hated" you are around here. You don't post much anymore but anytime somebody criticizes you you're right there going all passive-aggressive on everybody's ass about how a. badly you're "hated" around here and b. bored by it all anyway. But not too bored to swing by trying to lay a guilt trip every time your name is brought up.

And for the record, maybe you did "get in a few good ones in the 2T thread" - I wouldn't know, I quit reading that thread after about the 40th page. But it says a lot that you weren't comfortable to even try to "get in a few good ones" until the poster you were targeting had been so thoroughly neutralized you were absolutely certain you wouldn't have to suffer any zingers in return.

[JakeYonkel]

Thanks for proving my point.

Every Sludger under the sun comes out to trash Rev and it's a circle jerk with you assholes.

But I take some shots at your beloved 2T and I'm a coward.

Laughable.





And yeah, I could love Barbara Streisand and Abba and still be able to tell you that a lot of people blow their loads over some useless fuckers.

[GrayAntiMatter]

But it says a lot that you weren't comfortable to even try to "get in a few good ones" until the poster you were targeting had been so thoroughly neutralized you were absolutely certain you wouldn't have to suffer any zingers in return.

A lot of people do this shit.

[Metal Sludge]

But it says a lot that you weren't comfortable to even try to "get in a few good ones" until the poster you were targeting had been so thoroughly neutralized you were absolutely certain you wouldn't have to suffer any zingers in return.

A lot of people do this shit.

Yeah. They do. Except usually they aren't very "good ones".

[Punk]

I think making fun of others' shortcomings is wrong in a way that only the prince of darkness can understand and punish as you burn in a lake of fire for all eternity.

[GrayAntiMatter]

I think making fun of others' shortcomings is wrong in a way that only the prince of darkness can understand and punish as you burn in a lake of fire for all eternity.

Are those Iron Maiden lyrics?

[mullet_head]

Jake can be funny.

I have never witnessed this.

I'm like W Bush

What the hell are you talking about? Billions of people agree that Bush is the best comedian of all times. How dare you compare to the master?

Now, you did came up with some funny shit in that 2T thread. I guess all you need is some motivation. Start throwing some more shit out there. You seem confortable with the fact that most here think you're a douche, so wadda ya got to lose?

I, too, have contemplated murder after reading posts from both you and Zakk. I think Zakk's a nice guy, a good man, I like him, but his incredibly retarded political agenda is sometimes more than I can handle.

How often have I thought about taking a flight to wherever the fuck he lives? Then buy a shotgun on some 7-eleven on my way to Zakk's so I could shoot one of his legs off and go "How you gonna tuck your dick now ya bible thumping mexican arab fuck?"
Then I'd sing and do the Macarena moves, like I always do when I feel fulfilled.

But you, Jake, you still have a shot. You're sitting in all that Jew money of yours, you can go out and discover the world. I actually dig you, so I'll take you under my wing. With me as a mentor, your head will be blown away.

First off, you'll pick me up in Portugal. Me and my buddies, of course. Then you'll pass that money to me so you just have to worry about the fun part.

We'll go to Sweden, where you will make a lot of blonde jokes as we get hammered, to exercise your abilities as an aspiring comedian.

Then we'll go to the place I grew up in Angola, and following the same premise, you'll crack a bunch of nigger jokes. You'll not stop until they're all laughing.

You'll get hammered too, trust me.
Then I will dance the Kuduro.

[JakeYonkel]

I know you're Portuguese but your Spanish is passable, right?

I'll meet you in Puerto Rico, it's about as far east as I'm willing to travel.

You'll have to substitute the Angolans and Swedish bitches for Dominicans and Haitians, though. They're far less desirable, anyway.

[mullet_head]

I'll meet you in Puerto Rico, it's about as far east as I'm willing to travel.

That's one of the things we're trying to change here.

Focus Jewhopper!

[CrouchingStonerHiddenBong]

His 'contribution' to the 2T thread was sad at best.

Excuse me, but exactly what was your contribution to that thread? Because I don't seem to recall one.

Regardless of what my staunch anti-Yonkel compadres think of Jake's performance in that thread, I got a few laughs out of it, so I'm going to insist that it wasn't "sad at best" regardless of what the aroma of Nona's pissflaps compels you to say.

[chickenona]

Thanks for proving my point.

Every Sludger under the sun comes out to trash Rev and it's a circle jerk with you assholes.

But I take some shots at your beloved 2T and I'm a coward.

Laughable.

Hahahaha @ "beloved 2T". I wasn't particularly close to 2and what I said about you here had nothing to do with how I feel about her. It was about you being an after-the-fact piler on. Like gray and the mod have already said here, it's not like that's unique.

[chickenona]

Also my pissflaps are awesome, so ups to Stoner for mentioning them.

[JakeYonkel]

Thanks for proving my point.

Every Sludger under the sun comes out to trash Rev and it's a circle jerk with you assholes.

But I take some shots at your beloved 2T and I'm a coward.

Laughable.

Hahahaha @ "beloved 2T". I wasn't particularly close to 2and what I said about you here had nothing to do with how I feel about her. It was about you being an after-the-fact piler on. Like gray and the mod have already said here, it's not like that's unique.

"Your" was referring to the collective, not you personally.

And what I said stands. Anyone else does it, nobody says a thing. I do it, it's an issue. Shocking.

[CrouchingStonerHiddenBong]

Also my pissflaps are awesome, so ups to Stoner for mentioning them.

I'm glad you realize that I was praising them and their awesome powers of persuasion.

[GrayAntiMatter]

Also my pissflaps are awesome, so ups to Stoner for mentioning them.

The gateway to heaven!

[chickenona]

Hahahahaha, a Bender trap. I love the seizure-inducing effect.

[Luminiferous]

Another one with too much time on his hands.

Obviously not the only one..


Still waiting for your lawyer to call me, jack tooth...