ZakkVanDime: Portrait of a Shitty Poster

[LAglamrocker]

like any good father, he will bring his family to Money in the Bank sunday

[Heenan Snuka]

ZVD's Twitter photo...look at him being a pirate

[Heenan Snuka]

[JohnDeaux]

Uhmmm. Two of these things are not like the others...they let him adopt those boys???

[grishnak boss]

he's a stepfather

[Heenan Snuka]

Uhmmm. Two of these things are not like the others...they let him adopt those boys???

[TawnyVonJagger]

COCKSUCKER TAKE THAT PIC DOWN YOU FUCKING STALKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

[TawnyVonJagger]

TAKE THE FUCKING PICTURE DOWN!

Mod, can you at least delete that post?

[el_nino]

TAKE THE FUCKING PICTURE DOWN!

Mod, can you at least delete that post?

Have you reported the post?

[acefrehleysbeer]

Man thats fucked up to post that. ZVD is a douche but his family has nothing to do with it at all! Despite all of you claiming they aint his kids what does it matter he is raising them and I bet he loves them as much if not more then their biological dad. I was not raised by my real father and I would not have had it any other way. I never even called the man who raised me dad but Gordon now I refer to him as "The Gord" ZVD is a douche but he has heart and those kids are lucky to have him and the smile on his face says it all........he is happy and has what he always wanted and you know what ZVD good for you man you deserve it!

Douchebag!

[JohnDeaux]

Had no idea that was a bad. Thought he had posted it first. I apologize to ZVD and his kids for my stupid comment.

[Heenan Snuka]

[wickedsensation]

[K.K.VanMalmsteen]

Inspired by the ZVD reference in the Sarah Palin thread, it's time to bump some classic Sludge...

[Heenan Snuka]

[Heenan Snuka]

I just got that same shirt. It's very comfortable. I love it.

[Heenan Snuka]

[Heenan Snuka]

[Heenan Snuka]

[Heenan Snuka]

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and get it out of the way. I don't dislike ZakkVanDime as person.

But here's the thing - I don't really like him either. I think if I worked with him, I'd probably joke around with him and make small talk. I might actually go out on his birthday and have a few beers with him and the rest of the crew. However, I would still make fun of him behind his back and whole-heartedly agree every time someone called him a douchebag.

Having said that, I fucking despise him as a poster. He is simultaneously everything I hate about this place (whiny, common-minded, unfunny, and detrimentally misinformed) and everything I love about this place (a never-ending supply of stupidity to make fun of) at the same time, so while he serves a purpose, he still manages to make me pray to a god I don't believe in that my children never grow up to marry men like him or post on messageboards with people like him.

Honestly, if you or anyone else you know is considering sucking ass as a poster, look no further than this list as a guide, or for a more in-depth case study, feel free to peruse Zakk's entire posting history.

HOW TO BE A SHITTY POSTER ON METAL SLUDGE

1. First and of utmost importance is that you find a community where you rank in the 10th percentile of intelligence. You have to be one of the stupidest people there or none of this other stuff will work.

2. Call yourself ZakkVanDime and make a promise to induce as many douche chills as humanly possible by referring to yourself in the third person. Example: "Once you go Zakk, you never go back!".

3. Engage in arguments (and by that I mean offer your opinion as fact) with people smarter, wittier, and a thousand times more clever than you are. Insist that they're stupid and/or jealous, and that you have archaeological evidence of those shortcomings. When that fails, start posting pictures from /b/ and saying faggoty shit like "Well this takes the cake".

4. Whenever a new female poster arrives, immediately glom onto her like stink on shit. Tell her and the rest of the board constantly what a hawt rawk fox she is. Don't be dissuaded if she's fat, cross-eyed, or only posts half pictures of herself. It is of the utmost importance that you tell her that she's hawt and that you want to fuck her EVERY SINGLE TIME she posts, otherwise you'll never convince yourself that she's going to fuck you based on how many faggoty messages you leave on her Myspace or that chicks really do dig needy guys.

5. Buy a pirate costume.

6. Post a picture of yourself tucking your dick and then cry when you get taunted with it. This is especially effective if you claim to be bored while crying, and if you accuse the most successful troll in the history of the messageboard of being unfunny...especially when everyone else is laughing.

7. Make fun of your friends and then have a bitchfit when someone does it better than you.

8. Be wrong about everything, even if common sense says there's no way in fuck that you could be right. More importantly, don't shut up when you realize this.

9. Defend and champion other shitty posters based on how badly you want to bone them. Applauding posts like "I'm bored" and "HAHAHA! Geez..that's stupid" is a good start, but to truly succeed at this endeavor, you have to deride the rest of the board for running off marginally attractive females because god knows we can't survive another day without reading "OMG LMAO SO BITCHIN!!!1".

10. Make sure you post more than anyone while doing all of this.

RINSE.LATHER.REPEAT.

This post is truly beautiful from top to bottom!

[Heenan Snuka]

ZVD posted this yesterday:

[Heenan Snuka]

[ozzyrulz777]

What is your fucking problem. Dude has not been on the boards for a while and you are still stalking him. You are a fucking psycho.

[DemonFilth2001]

What is your fucking problem. Dude has not been on the boards for a while and you are still stalking him. You are a fucking psycho.

[NearlyNormal]

What is your fucking problem. Dude has not been on the boards for a while and you are still stalking him. You are a fucking psycho.

He's here everyday, Mr. E-Knight Captain Save a hoe. He just chooses not to post.
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