Ho Board Porno Workshop

[ralphwiggumsdealer]

I was referring to ralph's submission

Ha! Busted!

And, for anyone wondering, my second submission is going to be about a nerdy teenager who finds a meteor and transforms into a big, bald muscleman.

[chickenona]

Wasn't that a scene from Heavy Metal?

S (I hope she shot herself out of shame, the filthy, stripping, stranger- sucking whore)

**edited to add that I was referring to ralph's submission

Goddammit, I really shouldn't have seen that movie while tripping balls. YOU TRICKED ME, RALPH!

Which is kinda hot in and of itself.

[Succubyss]

ralph, I love you bestest! I'm going to write a story about 2 lurkers meeting in the woods for some moose sex.

S (and it may or may not be true)

[Rainbow Bright]

Well my cousin Walter jerked off in Public once, true story he was on a plane to New Mexico when all of a sudden the Hydraulics went, the plane started spinning around going out of control, so he decides its all over and just whips it out and starts beating it right there.

/Mallrats'd

[saracapri]

I love ralph.

[chickenona]

Ralph is AWESOME even if he is a dirty trickster.

[saracapri]

I didn't recognize it either. I thought Ralph was a stone pimp!

[chickenona]

He is, even if he is a big fat liarmouth.

[SugarMama]

I don't think I've ever seen the movie, Ralph. So you had me hook, line, and sinker. Fucker.

[CrouchingStonerHiddenBong]

Good plagiarism is a talent in and of itself.

[JDV]

Backstage, tensions were at an all-time high. We were anxious to play for our biggest audience to date, 26 people. “No Cover Thursdays” coupled with $1.95 Natural Lights sure can bring a crowd. But, the elevated tension stemmed from the omission of Cool Ranch Doritos on the tour rider. Well, that and the fact that the “buy one value meal, get one free” Burger King Coupons that the club provided us with had expired.

I sat on a dilapidated metal chair adjusting my codpiece and eating Cheetos. A sad symphony of despair serenaded my taste buds as the lonely Cheetos , missing the complementing twang of the Doritos, traveled from my gullet to my gut. It took nearly twenty minutes to get my leather pants over my gelatinous thighs. At that point, I was thankful that the Doritos were left off the rider and not the baby powder. Without that, I would have to perform in my sweatpants, and that’s just not very rock and roll. As show time neared, I transformed into a rock warrior, adorned with mascara, seven-inch heeled boots, and a Lazer Tag jacket that I had picked up when the Lazer Tag store went out of in business in 1989. I was ready for war and soldiered onto the stage.

We stormed the stage like a thundering crash of rhinoceros. The crowd was getting into our clichéd brand of pulsating cock rock. With 26 people dancing around, it wasn’t hard to spot her. But, I could have picked her out of a packed 38 Special concert at the county fair. She was way out of my league, and by that, I mean she only weighed about 245. She had Farrah Fawcett hair circa 1977. The peacock feathers dangling from her hair swayed to the rhythm of our masculine music. The dream catcher around her neck had me dreaming of bending her over my knee and making her my bad girl. My hips gyrated in her direction and the glow from the Budweiser sign on the wall reflected off the Cheeto stains on my codpiece beaming a light in her direction. Her eyes met the light and sent a beam right back in my direction that resembled a direct shot from a Lazer Tag gun. I was hit…man down!

After the show, I skipped out on the buffet of KFC wings in hopes of finding my dream girl. It didn’t take long, which was a good thing. The leather pants had started to chafe my thighs. She was standing by the bar. I cautiously approached her knowing that she was a little out of my league but only by about twenty pounds and the way she was admiring my codpiece, I figured I had a decent shot.

“Ummm, excuse me…did you like the show,” I shyly asked her.

She looked me up and down and said “ Hey man, what be this and what be that, and why you gotta look like that?”

(No wait that’s a KISS song.)

Ummm..

She replied with “Yeah, it was OK.”

“I’m glad you liked the show. We usually don’t play for such a packed house.”

“Dude, you’re funny. It was only like twelve people here tonight. I’m Cherokee by the way.”

“Nice to meet you Cherokee, They call me Trash.”

“Is that because you wear a Hefty bag for pants?”

“This isn’t a Hefty bag. It’s the finest leather money could buy back in 1987.”

“That explains the fit then. Ha! I’m only giving you shit, Trash.”

“ So, umm…anyway I saw you eye fucking my codpiece. Did you like my moves?”

“Actually, I was admiring the Cheeto stains on it. I’m a little hungry.”

“Whatever floats your boat, baby.”

“So ummm how bout you and I go back to my brother’s place and have a little fun?”

“Does he have Cheetos?”

“Yep”

“Let’s go!”

So, Cherokee and I hopped into my classic ’78 Celica and headed to my brother’s house. All the way, I growled at my prey while the testosterone-driven sounds of Manowar backed me up. I wanted her to shake in a sadistic cocktail mixture of fear and excitement. But, deep down I was scared. I worried that my brother overslept and didn’t go to his league bowling. My brother always got the hot chicks. He was tall, around 5’7” and he didn’t have a stupid Mohawk. There was no way he was stealing Cherokee from me.

My fears were eased when I saw that his pick-up truck wasn’t in the driveway. We would have the entire house to ourselves for at least two hours and that’s an hour and fifty-five more minutes than I needed.

We knocked the door down as if we were the Border Patrol and Elian Gonzales was hiding out in a closet. Once inside, I pushed Cherokee down on the couch, carefully avoiding the exposed springs. I ripped off my codpiece and flung it across the room.

Cherokee screamed “ Hey! Go get that , that Cheeto residue shouldn’t go to waste. “Kinky,” I thought to myself as I grabbed the sweaty codpiece and handed it to her. She began to lick the codpiece as I grabbed my cock and boastfully asked if she wanted it. “ I guess,” she mumbled between licks. I tore open my leather pants and white powder flew everywhere, decorating the room like snow on a winter’s morning. Cherokee dropped the codpiece and began to snort the white powder off my pants. Again, I thought “kinky.”

“ What the fuck, dude? This isn’t blow. What the fuck is it?”

“It’s baby powder,” I sheepishly responded. “It helps me get into these pants.”

“Jesus Christ, man! Baby powder ? Are you fucking kidding me? And you call yourself a rock star. You better have not been shitting me when you said you had Cheetos. And they better not be some generic brand either.”

Shaking off that awkward moment, I tried to salvage the torrid affair by producing an unopened bag of genuine Cheetos. My gift seemed to put Cherokee back on the path to ecstasy. She snatched the bag out of my hand and told me to get naked.

I kicked off my platform boots and…

“ Wait one goddamn minute,” Cherokee said, choking on Cheetos. “Are you a midget?”

“No!!!!”

“ Ha!, yes you are. Lucky for you I like midgets and these Cheetos are making me horny. You got some Mountain Dew?”

At that point, I was so horny, I ignored Cherokee’s question and whipped my cock out.

“You want this hard cock, baby?”

Cherokee squinted and with hysterical laughter asked, “What cock? I had four Natural Lights and I’m a bit tipsy but there ain’t no cock there.”

“Yeah…well, I may not have a normal-sized cock but I do have a Gene Simmons-like tongue.”

“ Ummm, OK….Tell ya what, Stubby…I need some foreplay. Get naked and just stand there while I eat these Cheetos and when I tell you to speak, I want you to point to the sky and say ‘ Look boss, da plane! , da plane!’”

I watched in anticipation as Cherokee sucked down the Cheetos, eagerly wishing that she was sucking my cock like those Cheetos. But, more importantly, I was wishing that my cock was as big as a Cheeto. As she neared the bottom of the bag, she screamed, “Now, say it now!”

So, I pointed to the sky and said “ Look boss, da plane! da plane!”

Cherokee collapsed onto the couch and with a shortness of breath said “ Whew, that was good. Now I’m ready. Get over here and get on all fours, I’m going to make some use out of that stupid fucking Mohawk. I’m going to ride you like a pony and that fucked up hair will be the mane.”

I needed to cum, so I crawled over on all fours, and Cherokee mounted me. My spine screamed and then sighed in relief that she weighed only 245 and not 255. Cherokee pulled my Mohawk tightly and began to bounce up and down. With each bounce, my spine cursed me in an untranslatable language. I played along because I needed to cum.

“Buck, my little pony, buck.”

I tried to buck but her weight and my piss poor cardio made the task impossible.

“ You call that bucking? You’re not a pony, you’re a fucking donkey.”

I snapped…

“I’m not a fucking donkey, I am a fucking rock star, bitch,” I growled.

That’s all I needed to give one good buck. I flung Cherokee in the air and she crashed down onto my back. The impact caused her to cum and me to collapse.

After ten minutes of fat person breathing, Cherokee thanked me for the Cheetos and the orgasm.

“ Umm..what about me,” I cried.

“ Oh, you can jerk off now. But first get me that Mountain Dew.”

In protest, I slumbered to the kitchen for a 2 liter of Mountain Dew. Upon returning Cherokee’s eye lit up like I had just given her a diamond or a Baconator from Wendy’s. She took the Dew and sat back on the couch.

“Well, go ahead; stroke that pathetic nub of a cock.”

Cherokee’s dirty talk really got me going and I began to jerk off. It didn’t take long, watching a fat girl eat Cheetos and drink Mountain Dew is one of my biggest fantasies. I could feel the cum building. I announced that I was going to cum.

A feeling of euphoria raced over me. As I came , I threw my arms to the heavens and screamed….

“I’m in Thor, Goddammit!!!!!”

[Iron Duck]

Ralph's cabbie situation and the way he thinks are similar to Heavy Metal, but the handcuffs, the taxi sex, and the girlfriend are all new.

[chickenona]

Go JDV!

Satire IS still welcome here, by the way. This thread is like a shimmering multifaceted diamond of filth. We're covering all the bases here.

[Succubyss]

Ralph's cabbie situation and the way he thinks are similar to Heavy Metal, but the handcuffs, the taxi sex, and the girlfriend are all new.

No shit!

S (Sorry - I forgot to use my internet symbols for being facetious.)

[chickenona]

Dreams. The best way I've heard them described is "Your brain taking a big dump while you're sleeping." (Thank you, SkeletalGrace). Still, every once in a while your subconscious throws you a curveball, and you have a dream about somebody totally inappropriate.

A while ago I had a sexual dream about a co-worker, a reedy young dude. I wish I could remember the particulars of it but I don't. And I feel too embarrassed to make some shit up for you guys about it. What kinda crazy sex dreams have you guys had?

[Succubyss]

JDV's post is a beautiful representation of teh magic that can be found between two people who were meant to be together for eternity based on a mutual love of greasy orange processed cheese snacks. And codpieces.

S (I want LAZER TAG porn next. Thanks in advance.)

[ralphwiggumsdealer]

How about porn starring a member of the Lazer Band?

R (and no, I won't be the one writing it)

[jahlive 420]

Dreams. The best way I've heard them described is "Your brain taking a big dump while you're sleeping." (Thank you, SkeletalGrace). Still, every once in a while your subconscious throws you a curveball, and you have a dream about somebody totally inappropriate.

A while ago I had a sexual dream about a co-worker, a reedy young dude. I wish I could remember the particulars of it but I don't. And I feel too embarrassed to make some shit up for you guys about it. What kinda crazy sex dreams have you guys had?

i had a sex dream about an older woman at work once.

couldn't look at her the same ever again.

[chickenona]

I'll take it.

I still have dreams about Tim all the time too. Dreams that we never broke up, dreams that he comes around when the old man isn't here and I give up the ass for him for old times' sake. Rather than being hot, though, these dreams always leave me waking up depressed.

[jahlive 420]

I'll take it.

I still have dreams about Tim all the time too. Dreams that we never broke up, dreams that he comes around when the old man isn't here and I give up the ass for him for old times' sake. Rather than being hot, though, these dreams always leave me waking up depressed.

have you given up taking it in the ass?

cheer up and let your old man throw you a morning bone when that happens.

[chickenona]

I did do it with my old man for the first couple of years after we got together. But after the novelty wore off he realized it wasn't really his thing. He'll get a thumb in there every once in a while when giving me head because he knows I like it, but he's just not an ass-fucking kinda guy.

[Iron Duck]

Ralph's cabbie situation and the way he thinks are similar to Heavy Metal, but the handcuffs, the taxi sex, and the girlfriend are all new.

No shit!

S (Sorry - I forgot to use my internet symbols for being facetious.)

So then for all those who used it, the word plagiarism has nothing to do with it. He took an idea and ran with it. [/my point]

[chickenona]

Okay, I've made no secret about the fact that I've given up the ass, at least on one occasion to a stranger. However, my friend Katey, who is 45 like me but whose tits don't look a day over 72, has recently gotten involved with a Bolivian air traffic controller who appears to ONLY want buttsex. I am of the opinion that he probably goes for the ass as an excuse to turn her over to avoid having to look at her horrible droopy dugs, but she is reading all kinds of gay connotations into this. I don't know, if a man of 45 is still fucking chicks, even if it's in the butt, he probably isn't gay, just an ass freak. Have you ever had sex with somebody who turned out to be gay, though?

[CrouchingStonerHiddenBong]

So then for all those who used it, the word plagiarism has nothing to do with it. He took an idea and ran with it. [/my point]

Way to miss the point entirely.

Fuck.

[Ham Stroker's Ejacula]

Have you ever had sex with somebody who turned out to be gay, though?

Not to my knowledge, but several bi- (or at least bi-curious) ladies were witnessed firsthand along the way.

[Pandora]

Have you ever had sex with somebody who turned out to be gay, though?

Yes, but he wouldn't admit it outright. Although he admitted to getting head from a tranny in Germany and likes to go to gay bars. He wanted the butt sex with me but I refused because the man has a huge cock. I did have sex with him on two different occasions and it was some of the best sex I have ever had.

[chickenona]

Have you ever had sex with somebody who turned out to be gay, though?

Not to my knowledge, but several bi- (or at least bi-curious) ladies were witnessed firsthand along the way.

So you keep sayin', ya big tease. Spill already, you densely muscled fuck machine.

[Ham Stroker's Ejacula]

Mid-October 1986 – I was in the first semester of my junior year in college – a couple months shy of my 21st birthday. I had started seeing a blonde 18-year old freshman girl named Karen a couple weeks earlier (in addition to a 26-year old brunette from NY who a friend in my dorm had hooked me up with) – we were casually dating, with the understanding that it wasn't an exclusive relationship at that time.

The night that planted the seed for this particular threesome was a Friday night that involved copious amounts of alcohol and an at-the-time-unknown-to-me challenge between Karen and her friend Melissa. The three of us ended up hanging out in Karen’s dorm room, along with a guy friend of theirs whose name escapes me. Music was playing quietly and we were all chatting. As the buzz was kicking in, one thing led to another and both couples started making out in front of each other. Karen and her roommate (a different girl – not Melissa) had their beds set up in bunk-like fashion, crisscrossing each other. Karen and I ended up on her bed on the top bunk while Melissa and the other guy ended up on the bottom.

Backtracking for a moment – regarding Karen's friend Melissa –- from the first time I saw her, I knew that I had to have her (a Christine Sixteen vibe to the max, except for the fact she was already legal age). She was around 5'6" with dark brown hair that cascaded down to her middle back in waves/loose curls. She was really pretty, had an amazing body with incredible breasts, and a pouting set of lips that drove me absolutely wild. I made it no secret that I wanted her, and always flirted heavily with her, which she reciprocated – we had a lot of fun any time we hung out together.

So there the four of us were, making out on separate beds – this led to heavy petting. Karen got herself out of her jeans and revealed a pair of hi-cut red, sparkly panties (the light was low in the room but there was just enough to make out that detail). As we continued tongue-locked and groping each other her hands made their way to my crotch and she began rubbing my then-throbbing erection through my jeans. She worked the zipper down then got the button undone – I obliged by bringing my bottom half up slightly so she could get them down my legs and over and off of my feet. With only a pair of briefs between her and my pulsating gland, she slid her hand down over the top of the band and found my shaft with her fingertips. As she began stroking my cock and working my balls with her other hand, I shifted so I could return the favor – I started with my hand down the back of her panties, caressing her beautiful ass. I brought my hand around front, placing it on her lower belly and gently brought my fingers down over her pubic mound and then on to her slit.

[Below us, I couldn't see anything, but I could hear the other couple frantically going at each other in what I surmised was the same manner – the distinctive sounds of her giving him head soon after confirmed my suspicions.]

I worked the sides of her clit and eventually got two fingers inside her sopping vagina. She was wriggling around on her bed, bringing her hips up and down. After a minute or two of this she stopped me and whispered "I want to do something for you" – I lay back and she put the tip of my cock in her mouth. She slowly began working her tongue around the head while pumping the shaft with one hand. She steadily began taking in more of my length. It felt amazing and I knew that at the rate she was blowing me that I wasn't going to be able to hold out for long. Within a couple minutes I began approaching orgasm – she could feel that I was tensing up, but she kept using her mouth on my cock. At the point of my explosion I wasn’t sure what her intent was, but then it happened – she took every last drop of my cum and swallowed all of it.

There lay the challenge – the girls had dared each other to blow us guys to climax, and swallow. They both achieved their goal. As I walked back to my dorm that night, I thought to myself – if ever there was a possibility for a threesome, these two were the ones. I began devising a plan to get there, and that plan came to fruition just two weeks later, beginning when we all attended a Halloween party at an off-campus fraternity house.


To be continued….

[chickenona]

Kickass! That was pretty fuckin' hot, Hammy.

[TawnyVonJagger]

GodDAMN that was hot, I hate being left hanging. Tease.