I Couldn't Help Myself

[Mitzi Dupree]

This isn't a Hatas thread, but I decided to douche on my friends rather than the innocents of the Lounge.

There it sat in my in-box. I wanted to delete it, or forward it to the proper authorities. But I couldn't. This one was too good. I was weak.

I'm dying to find out if they'll write back.


On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 8:01 AM, Cecilia John Garang <[email protected]> wrote:

Dearest

I believe you are a highly respected personality, I am writing this mail with tears, sadness and pains. I know it will come to you as a surprise since we haven't known or come across each other before considering the fact that I sourced your email contact through the Internet in search of trusted person who can assist me.

I am Cecilia Garang 24 years old female from the Republic of Sudan, the Daughter of Late Dr. John Garang. Before my late father’s death in Uganda on 31st of July 2005, was vice president and former rebel leader of Sudan and was kill by Sudan President Omar al Bashir in helicopter crash. You can read more about my father in the link below. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2134220.stm.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$12.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will send you details in my next email for you to know me well.

Yours Cecilia

Dear Cecilia,

I read your mail with tears, sadness and pains. It is horrible what your stepmother is doing to you. I have always contended that all stepmothers are wicked. This has been proven time and time again in children's fairy tales. Think about the horrors Cinderella went though. The downfall of Snow White. The near-death escapades of Sleeping Beauty.

It's devastating to think you in this same situation. At this point, I would recommend no consumption of apples (or any random fruits), and do your best to befriend the rodents, birds and woodland creatures that frolic near your residence.

In regards to your financial situation, I'm afraid I can be of no assistance. Much like stepmothers, I consider financial institutions to be wicked and staffed by minions of the devil. What money I have is kept buried in coffee cans behind my trailer. I believe at last count I had saved $387.43. Not bad in this day and time!

I am, however, looking forward to you settling down with me. The beet farming business provides a meager, yet satisfying existence, and an extra set of hands will be appreciated at harvest time. I'm sure you will find it builds character, as well as a hearty constitution. I do not have a clothes washing machine, so don't pack a large wardrobe. A couple of pairs of coveralls, some longjohns, socks, underthings and perhaps a nicer outfit for going to church on Sunday. You're going to really enjoy church. We have some of the best snake handlers in the region.

Please contact me back at this e-mail address. I can hardly wait to get more details of knowing you!

[Landshark2000]

Goddamn it, Mitz. I am dying over here. Hahahahahahahahaha!

[Luminiferous]

I am sadly disappointed Mitz didn't ask for nudes or at least a tit shot..

[Mitzi Dupree]

I'm sorry.

I've let you down.

I'm so X chromosomed it's disgusting.

[Luminiferous]

I'd always allow you to deposit as many X chromosomes in my personal account as you'd like..

Wicked stepmother or not..

[biff malibu]

Hello attention, I need it now! PLease pay attention to me.

Fucking loser

[gr8twhte]

Please let us know if princess of Arabia emails back. Nice job.

[CrouchingStonerHiddenBong]

Hello attention, I need it now! PLease pay attention to me.

Fucking loser

Dear Fucking Loser,

Here's your attention. Now kindly fuck off back to whatever adult daycare center you escaped from and please take your shitty posting with you.

Yours in Derision & Disdain,
The Cool Kids

[Punk]

I love "settling down" with Mitzi.

[Luminiferous]

I received a good one in my inbox this morning..

Hey
I'm looking for a little help and trying to keep from losing my job. I am a 21 year old blonde who's got soft blue eyes, 5' 2" and 106 pounds. I used a company credit card to pay for some $600 auto repairs and now they say if I don't pay it back by March 20th, I'll be fired.
I'm just trying to find a way to keep my job and pay it back as easy as I can. My friend Zack has donated some, but it's not even half of what I need. What I'm offering is casual dates and going out and being seen with you, but strictly platonic in exchange for helping me pay off this card. There will not be any sex traded.
My friend Zack with be involved with intermediating our agreement, but will not be involved with the transaction.

I'm sure your friend and co-workers would be surprised and envious when they'd see you walkk in with me on your arm. Once again, this is a STRICTLY platonic deal. You can reach me at this address [email protected]. Talk to you soon sweetie! Brit

I replied with:

Two ideas for ya.

1. Offer to work overtime or trade sex with your boss to pay it off ya thieving hosebeast..

2. Have your buddy Zack film it and sell it....That'll make you some cash.

Her reply:

i am willing for that.. .so tell me about this.. this is real.. i dont mind zack will film us having sex.

My reply:

Brit,
Sorry I can't donate to your cause as I should've been clearer in my initial response that I charge for appearing in porn..
And I can't see in this struggling economy that I could make an exception, even with an honest young lady like yourself.. My secretary can provide you with more information, but my rates are:

Furnished full sized luxury rental car to get me to the filming location
$200 just to take my clothes off
$200 for oral sex performed on me
$200 to perform oral on you
$300 if my penis goes in the vagina
$500 more if you want anal
$300 for the money shot

$100 every five minutes if filming goes beyond 20 minutes

I do have discount rates if a second female is involved in the scene, so that may be an option to save you some money.

If there's any dialogue for your film, rates are $75 a word. (Example: "Here it comes baby"= $300)
Extra $150 if emotion is needed in dialogue

And all condoms are to be furnished by you and must be AMERICAN made Trojan ribbed/lubed and size extra large.

From your ad you sound broke and not able to afford me, so you should probably just offer to have sex with your boss...

[Mitzi Dupree]

Hilarious! Isn't this fun? (other than the fact that I now know I can't afford to have sex with Lumi...)

I heard back from princess:

My Dear,

Many thanks for your quick response to my cry for help. I need your help to stand as my trustee for transferring the money to your bank acount for investment project. As I told you in my earlier mail, I am staying in the mission and I haven't a personal telephone to be reached but if you wish to hear my sweet voice, you can reach me through the office telephone number of the co-ordinator of Christ De King Mission. His name is Rev. Fr. Dennis Mongolo and his office telephone number is +22678445168. If you call tell him that you want to speak with Cecilia John Garang am staying in Block 17C female hostel.

The reason while I ask you to contact the bank as my trustee is because I have contacted the bank on my arrival to clear the money but the branch manager of the bank whom I met in person told me that my status as a refugee does not authorize me to transfer the money. He advised me to seek for some one who will represent me and transfer the money into his or her bank account. I wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but am afriad that she will not release the money to me after clearing the money because after the death of my parent she and my uncle arrange seceretly and sold my father's estate in Monaco. They shared the money among themselves and when I confronted them my uncle told me that the tradition and custom of our land does not entitle me to share assets of my father as a single young girl. Ever then they have been maltreating me and even made arrangement to assassinate me because of the demand for my share of the money from the sales of the hotel.I want you to help me because you are God sent and you will never regret for helping me.

Please send me your full contact information which include:

Your full name:
Contact address:
Telephone numbers to be reached:
Your age:
Your Occupation:
Marital Status:
Your Nationality
Your photos to see you:

Information above is very important for me to know you well so as to proceed futher with trust.As soon as I receive them I will give you the contact of the bank were my father deposited the money. And you will contact the bank as my trustee and ask them to transfer the money into your bank accountfor investment project. After you receive the money in your bank account you will send some amount to me to process my traveling documents which I will use to come and settle in your country and further my academic studies.

Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply. Below is my photos.

Yours truly,
Cecilia.


As a bonus, I got PICTURES! WHOO!




My Darling Princess,

It is with shaking hands that I type this response. I must say that your photos left me breathless. Womenfolk are few and far between out here on the beet plains and it has been years since I have seen someone as beautiful as you.

Doris, the proprietor of the General Store, was quite a looker back in the '70's, but time hasn't been kind to her. However, she's the only female within 70 miles of here, so I have to confess that when she offers to show me her lady parts if I buy an extry 30 pound bag of flour, sometimes I do. I hope you don't hold this weakness against me, as my loneliness is terrible. I know that once you settle down with me, you and Doris are going to be great friends.

Reading your sad letter really got my blood boiling. I don't want to alarm you, but it is my belief that your stepmother and your uncle are having carnal relations. You need not worry. The sword of God will smite them for their sins.

Your pictures show me that not only are you a beautiful girl, you'll be sturdy enough to be a fine addition to my farm. Your hips will provide me with many strong sons. I know I'm capable of fathering children, I just haven't had the opportunity yet. Well, other than that unfortunate ncident with Floyd's prize ewe. Selling that little sheepboy to the carny man did provide me with some good money, though.

It is obvious that you are from a royal family. The beautiful tile and parquet floors in your pictures let me know you've lived in a palace. The floors in my place are mostly dirt, but it's hard-packed and I keep it pretty well swept. It's very convenient if you spill something, as anything that Clover doesn't get just soaks right in. Clover's my sow (and my partner, least 'til you get here) until it's butcher time. I sure hope you like bacon, as I have a feeling she's going to be tasty.

As you've probably guessed, I don't have a telephone. I will be happy to make the calls you've requested, but you'll have to wait until the next time I got to go to the General Store so I can use the phone there. Doris will probably make me show her my pecker, but rest assured I will be thinking of you the whole time. To save time, you should probably send me the phone number of the bank so's that I can call them the same time I call your cell-block warden.

I can see you're a frisky girl with a good sense of humor. Of course you already know my name, as God led you to me, and of course you have my e-mail. I'm not so sure of my age, as I was adopted out. I'll guess somewhere between 50 and 70. You know I'm a single beet farmer. Don't have any pictures, other than a few polaroids from the county fair a few years ago, and I'm not sure how to get those to you. If you'll send me your address, I'll be happy to send them when I go to town.

When do you think you'll get here? I'd like to get started planning on the wedding as soon as possible.

Your devoted fiancé,

P.S., if you have pictures, I would love to see more of you. Clover's gonna be mighty jealous!

[Landshark2000]

She looks like a Somalian teen prostitute ...

[Mitzi Dupree]

You watch yo' mouf, girl!

She is a PRINCESS. A PRINCESS, I TELL YOU!

Her refinement and good breeding is more than obvious in her delicate bone structure, wardrobe and surroundings. You can almost feel the fear and desperation in those photos as she contemplates her evil stepmother and uncle.

[Landshark2000]

You watch yo' mouf, girl!

She is a PRINCESS. A PRINCESS, I TELL YOU!

Her refinement and good breeding is more than obvious in her delicate bone structure, wardrobe and surroundings. You can almost feel the fear and desperation in those photos as she contemplates her evil stepmother and uncle.

I apologize. Princess Shaniqua Chardonnay of Le Comptain has my sympathies ...

[nakedmadman]

Hilarious! Isn't this fun? (other than the fact that I now know I can't afford to have sex with Lumi...)

I heard back from princess:

My Dear,

Many thanks for your quick response to my cry for help. I need your help to stand as my trustee for transferring the money to your bank acount for investment project. As I told you in my earlier mail, I am staying in the mission and I haven't a personal telephone to be reached but if you wish to hear my sweet voice, you can reach me through the office telephone number of the co-ordinator of Christ De King Mission. His name is Rev. Fr. Dennis Mongolo and his office telephone number is +22678445168. If you call tell him that you want to speak with Cecilia John Garang am staying in Block 17C female hostel.

The reason while I ask you to contact the bank as my trustee is because I have contacted the bank on my arrival to clear the money but the branch manager of the bank whom I met in person told me that my status as a refugee does not authorize me to transfer the money. He advised me to seek for some one who will represent me and transfer the money into his or her bank account. I wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but am afriad that she will not release the money to me after clearing the money because after the death of my parent she and my uncle arrange seceretly and sold my father's estate in Monaco. They shared the money among themselves and when I confronted them my uncle told me that the tradition and custom of our land does not entitle me to share assets of my father as a single young girl. Ever then they have been maltreating me and even made arrangement to assassinate me because of the demand for my share of the money from the sales of the hotel.I want you to help me because you are God sent and you will never regret for helping me.

Please send me your full contact information which include:

Your full name:
Contact address:
Telephone numbers to be reached:
Your age:
Your Occupation:
Marital Status:
Your Nationality
Your photos to see you:

Information above is very important for me to know you well so as to proceed futher with trust.As soon as I receive them I will give you the contact of the bank were my father deposited the money. And you will contact the bank as my trustee and ask them to transfer the money into your bank accountfor investment project. After you receive the money in your bank account you will send some amount to me to process my traveling documents which I will use to come and settle in your country and further my academic studies.

Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply. Below is my photos.

Yours truly,
Cecilia.


As a bonus, I got PICTURES! WHOO!




My Darling Princess,

It is with shaking hands that I type this response. I must say that your photos left me breathless. Womenfolk are few and far between out here on the beet plains and it has been years since I have seen someone as beautiful as you.

Doris, the proprietor of the General Store, was quite a looker back in the '70's, but time hasn't been kind to her. However, she's the only female within 70 miles of here, so I have to confess that when she offers to show me her lady parts if I buy an extry 30 pound bag of flour, sometimes I do. I hope you don't hold this weakness against me, as my loneliness is terrible. I know that once you settle down with me, you and Doris are going to be great friends.

Reading your sad letter really got my blood boiling. I don't want to alarm you, but it is my belief that your stepmother and your uncle are having carnal relations. You need not worry. The sword of God will smite them for their sins.

Your pictures show me that not only are you a beautiful girl, you'll be sturdy enough to be a fine addition to my farm. Your hips will provide me with many strong sons. I know I'm capable of fathering children, I just haven't had the opportunity yet. Well, other than that unfortunate ncident with Floyd's prize ewe. Selling that little sheepboy to the carny man did provide me with some good money, though.

It is obvious that you are from a royal family. The beautiful tile and parquet floors in your pictures let me know you've lived in a palace. The floors in my place are mostly dirt, but it's hard-packed and I keep it pretty well swept. It's very convenient if you spill something, as anything that Clover doesn't get just soaks right in. Clover's my sow (and my partner, least 'til you get here) until it's butcher time. I sure hope you like bacon, as I have a feeling she's going to be tasty.

As you've probably guessed, I don't have a telephone. I will be happy to make the calls you've requested, but you'll have to wait until the next time I got to go to the General Store so I can use the phone there. Doris will probably make me show her my pecker, but rest assured I will be thinking of you the whole time. To save time, you should probably send me the phone number of the bank so's that I can call them the same time I call your cell-block warden.

I can see you're a frisky girl with a good sense of humor. Of course you already know my name, as God led you to me, and of course you have my e-mail. I'm not so sure of my age, as I was adopted out. I'll guess somewhere between 50 and 70. You know I'm a single beet farmer. Don't have any pictures, other than a few polaroids from the county fair a few years ago, and I'm not sure how to get those to you. If you'll send me your address, I'll be happy to send them when I go to town.

When do you think you'll get here? I'd like to get started planning on the wedding as soon as possible.

Your devoted fiancé,

P.S., if you have pictures, I would love to see more of you. Clover's gonna be mighty jealous!

She kinda looks like that MySpace tramp that ended up being in all the "motivational" posters, you know, the one in the bra, in a the bathroom, with the toilet that needed a flush? This one...

[Mitzi Dupree]

On Mon, Mar 16, 2009 at 5:04 AM, Cecilia John Garang <[email protected]> wrote:

Dear,

I have received your mail. If you have accepted to help me send me your full contact information which include:

Your full name:
Contact address:
Telephone numbers to be reached:
Your age:
Your Occupation:
Marital Status:
Your Nationality
Your photos to see you:

So that I will give you the contact of the bank and the account number so that you will contact the bank as my trustee and ask them to transfer the money into your bank account for investment project. After you receive the money in your bank account you will send some amount to me to process my traveling documents to join you in your country home.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick reply.

Yours truly
Cecilia

My Darling Princess Cecilia,

I am very disappointed in your last letter. I thought we were building a lifelong relationship? If I didn't know how much you cared about me, I might think that you're only interested in me so you can get your money.

There were no pictures, no information about your wicked stepmother, no delightful insights to your bubbly personality.

You continue to ask me the same questions that you asked in your earlier letter, even though I have answered most of them. I will explain again that I do not have one of them new fangled celly phones, and the only photos I have are polaroids taken last year at the county fair, which I will mail to you as soon as I have your address. One is a picture of me with my face on a strong man's body. I know you're going to love it.

I can send you my address, but right now I'm really worried about your motives. I have reserved the VFW in town for May 16th for our nuptials, followed by cake and punch in Fellowship Hall at the church. If you will let me know your dress size, Doris can order you a modest dress from the JC Penney catalog. Will you be bringing a tiara with you, or should we order a veil as well?

Please set this poor man's mind at ease and let me know you're not just using me to get the money.

I've had womenfolk cozy up to me before, only to wake up in the middle of the night to find them digging holes in my backyard. They are looking for the can of money I got from the carny man for the sheepboy. As a show of faith, I will tell you that can is buried in the barn.

I am looking forward to your next letter and more pictures

Your loving fiance,


P.S. Lumi wants to know if he has to call me Prince after we tie the knot. Do you know the rules on that?

[Luminiferous]

On Mon, Mar 16, 2009 at 5:04 AM, Cecilia John Garang <[email protected]> wrote:

Dear,

I have received your mail. If you have accepted to help me send me your full contact information which include:

Your full name:
Contact address:
Telephone numbers to be reached:
Your age:
Your Occupation:
Marital Status:
Your Nationality
Your photos to see you:

So that I will give you the contact of the bank and the account number so that you will contact the bank as my trustee and ask them to transfer the money into your bank account for investment project. After you receive the money in your bank account you will send some amount to me to process my traveling documents to join you in your country home.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick reply.

Yours truly
Cecilia

My Darling Princess Cecilia,

I am very disappointed in your last letter. I thought we were building a lifelong relationship? If I didn't know how much you cared about me, I might think that you're only interested in me so you can get your money.

There were no pictures, no information about your wicked stepmother, no delightful insights to your bubbly personality.

You continue to ask me the same questions that you asked in your earlier letter, even though I have answered most of them. I will explain again that I do not have one of them new fangled celly phones, and the only photos I have are polaroids taken last year at the county fair, which I will mail to you as soon as I have your address. One is a picture of me with my face on a strong man's body. I know you're going to love it.

I can send you my address, but right now I'm really worried about your motives. I have reserved the VFW in town for May 16th for our nuptials, followed by cake and punch in Fellowship Hall at the church. If you will let me know your dress size, Doris can order you a modest dress from the JC Penney catalog. Will you be bringing a tiara with you, or should we order a veil as well?

Please set this poor man's mind at ease and let me know you're not just using me to get the money.

I've had womenfolk cozy up to me before, only to wake up in the middle of the night to find them digging holes in my backyard. They are looking for the can of money I got from the carny man for the sheepboy. As a show of faith, I will tell you that can is buried in the barn.

I am looking forward to your next letter and more pictures

Your loving fiance,


P.S. Lumi wants to know if he has to call me Prince after we tie the knot. Do you know the rules on that?

Prince Mitzi???

That was my glam rock band with Vince Neil in 5th grade!!!

[Mitzi Dupree]

Hakuna Matata.

It's the circle of life, my friend.


I think "Cecilia" is wise to me. She hasn't written for two days.

I'm bereft.

[MotleyMaiden]

How disappointing. This thread is more entertaining then five monkeys trying to fuck a football.

[Luminiferous]

Hakuna Matata.

It's the circle of life, my friend.


I think "Cecilia" is wise to me. She hasn't written for two days.

I'm bereft.

Welcome to my life...

The blue eyed blonde never even answered back to get me to lower my rates..

[MotleyMaiden]

Still no reply? I guess we will never know Princess Cecilia's fate

[Kid-Wicked]

send her a pic!!!



ned from the bubba the love sponge show.

she'll cream her prison issued coveralls.

[nakedmadman]

Shitzi Youpee is a geriatric cunt.

And you're a half used colostomy bag left lieing on a dark bathroom floor, just waiting for an unsuspecting foot, so fuck off ya shitbag.

[nakedmadman]

Jesus Christ, I'm 3/4 drunk, and you still can't get the your/you're thing right? Retire now you fucking looser. You're way out of your fucking leauge.

[nakedmadman]

Don't start douchenozzle. I make enough green to own you and your momma's ass, so fuck off on that part. 16 years seniority, 50,000+ a year, and I don't need to hear shit from grocery store bag boys like you, fuck toy. don't you have a street corner to get to? I'm sure your pimp is going to get a little pissed at you spending this much time in a coffee shop when that bitch ass of yours could be earning him a dollar or two.

[nakedmadman]

The comical part of this is the only person who sees you owning anyone, is you. You're ass has been owned by every first year sludge bitch to hit the boards, and you STILL think you're the man. I honestly believe that were he of a mind to, OVD/Boojie/Forign Stargaizer could come in here and just decimate you. I've no doubt that FanBoi 13 or RavBitch would turn you out in a minute.

[nakedmadman]

you really are bad at this. For God's sakes, if you're going to rip off Iggy, Stoner and half the rest of the board, you could at least quote them. For the record, Mom's been dead for 17 years, so the Mom jokes are neither funny or hurtful, just sad. Then again, Sad kinda describes you doesn't it? You try so hard to be relevant, and fail so miserably. You're not good on the Hatas board, you're not good in the lounge, your music opinion is retarded to say the least, and you've still not grasped simple 7th grade spelling and grammar.

[leftstrat]

Hakuna Matata.

It's the circle of life, my friend.


I think "Cecilia" is wise to me. She hasn't written for two days.

I'm bereft.

There is a site, where the 419'ers get owned, and it gets documented. You might want to contribute this. It's priceless! I laughed my ass off.

http://www.419eater.com/

You wouldn't believe some of the funny shit on this site. They get those guys to pose with signs that say things like "I have a tiny pecker", etc... It's too damn funny..

[nakedmadman]

Hmm Hmm that is what I thought.


Winner: Me, nugga!

Just keep thinkin' that, fuckknuckle. I'm sure you're the king of all you see. Meanwhile, the rest of us will continue to liken you to the rest of the internet punching bags on this board. Just consider, your name will be added to the list of greats like OVD/Boojie/Forigen Stargazer, Slicer, Licketysplit, and The Metal Chick. Now that's something to be proud of.

[makaveli]

Hmm Hmm that is what I thought.


Winner: Me, nugga!

Just consider, your name will be added to the list of greats like OVD/Boojie/Forigen Stargazer, Slicer, Licketysplit, and The Metal Chick. Now that's something to be proud of.

I think you are giving him too much credit, Madman. At least those losers had a shtick, other than butchering the English language and playing internet tough guy. I say gone and forgotten very very soon.